(no subject)

moments ago i discovered that i have a need to impress others. i think this [can't think of the correct adjective] behaviour stems from my poor psychological need to please my parents, which is very subtle and but no where near as severe as it once was. i'm writing this as opposed to on my phone, where i keep my personal development notes, because a small note would not suffice and would require clarification. the main idea here is, and were i to write a note on my phone, i would write 'i should do things because i want to and for myself and and not to impress others'.

the thought which spawned the above thought was once again, as i have thought about many times before, i have a real difficulty taking an interest in other people's lives without feeling a very deep sense of envy and followed by self-pity. never mind the false excuses related to privacy concerns and unethical business practises when asked the reason as to why i don't have facebook, the real reason is simple: i start to wallow in self-pity when i see pictures and read about the happiness of the people i know. i understand that no-one is as happy as they seem on facebook, but my brain doesn't seem to care.

following this clarification, i did end up writing one of my personal development notes

(no subject)

despite the previous post (written moments ago) suggesting the status quo is as dire as it has been for the past three years, this is not the case.

i feel like not writing about it because i may jinx it, or to put it in a more rational manner, i may unintentionally convince myself that the battle's over and i'm eating the greener grass on the other side. i know that my use of the common saying in the previous sentence is possibly used incorrectly but it my mind it fits.

i have been a 'different person' since coming back from Zimbabwe. i'm much more resilient mentally. i don't get as angry as i have been getting in the previous three years. i no longer have a switch where i go from zero to insane. i no longer pity myself, well, maybe a little teeny weeny bit. i am much more grateful for the things i have in my life. i am much more aware of my finiteness on this planet. and i understand what is required to move forward, and i am moving forward, and it is hard, but i will make it. also, Zimbabwe didn't just 'transform' me, it was largely the psychologist i was seeing months prior and going to  Zim somehow provided me with the environment to work on my anxiety and negative outlooks and therefore 'discover myself'.

there's also been a subtler improvement in my life. see, i've had these two personalities, one is extremely extroverted and the other extremely introverted, and for the first time i no longer have these two personalities where i feel like a different person depending on the situation i'm in. a more elegant way of putting this, and i think this is the reason as to why this has happened, for once i recognise some of the things that make me happy and i want in my life. coming back from Zimbabwe, i've discovered that i value relationships more than i do anything else. people make me happy. talking to people, learning about people, and the greater difference, the happier i am usually.

there have been other improvements, in relation to having re-developed 'interests' in things, which isn't video games or spending inordinate amounts of time on reddit. i don't want to talk about it because talking about it here and finalising these interests in pixels indicates the battle's over, when in reality it's just begun.  

i've discovered my written English is absolutely dreadful and i'd like to work on improving this, and i'm unsure whether this goes han-in-hand but i want to also learn to articulate myself better. it's frustrating to realise how dreadful i think my written English is, i think spoken English too to be honest.