quietlynavigating

i made a really big mistake ~last May. i watched Battlestar Galactica and didn't make notes. here's the thing, if i don't make notes of new ideas and interesting thoughts i encounter, then i no longer remember them and it's as if i never had them to begin with, unless they're reinforced by something else i encounter that alludes to that thought.

i mention Battlestar Galactica because it questioned a lot of my originally held views on politics, the media and a lot of other things and it now feels like i never watched the show to begin with, since the most important aspect of watching it was to provoke and question my views and create original thoughts and ideas which i no longer remember.

i've started using Google Keep to make notes on the fly, and it was one of the major uses of my older phone too.

something else that's weird, being alive. since we're the product of our parents' genes and therefore how we interact with the environment is a direct influence of these genes, whilst taking into account external and not in our control events which affect our lives, being alive is reduced to a very narrow set of choices. and these choices are an illusion because your mental makeup is due to your genes and your environment, means you're going to choose one choice over the other because you wouldn't make that choice if it wasn't for your mental makeup. so being alive isn't really being alive at all, it's more like reacting to stimuli in the way those tiny organisms which react to light do. i completely understand i'm poking at a concept the subject of Philosophy have a million books on, meaning there is likely many flaws with this train of thought.

one of the biggest insecurities of my adult life thus far has been how i look. by this, i mean how i physically look. i used to sometimes feel ugly but most of the times, i didn't know and this not knowing amplified my insecurity.

over the past year, i've become increasingly comfortable in my own skin and with how i look and whilst i may never be completely secure about my appearance, i sure do feel i'm on that path. i feel good being me.

every time i realise that life has no inherent meaning and purpose what so ever, apart from procreating i suppose, i just feel so good and i feel like i can do anything.

in the above sentence i use the word 'realise', i wonder how this realisation works. i know that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, but when i read it in different contexts, i hit a realisation and this usually entails a feeling. i don't understand what a feeling has to do with gaining clarity in something at all, may be i didn't re-realise life had no inherent meaning or purpose at all but the feeling associated with gaining clarity made me feel that way. there may be different ways ideas can be phrased which whilst you may logically understand what they say, depending on the phrasing, you may either understand it better by the way it is phrased, or it may even trigger a feeling which momentarily makes you feel like your eyes have opened and you have hit clarity but is merely just a feeling. may be the feeling of realisation is triggered when a moment of clarity is reached, and it's just a process your brain goes under when hitting this moment of clarity is with a feeling of realisation. a way of telling you that your world view has altered slightly more than normal.

i've been thinking all week about the question what is so good about being happy (or positive emotion) over being unhappy (or negative emotion)?. what is so bad about consistently being unhappy? the answer has been very simple, we as humans  seek out activities which make us feel good or strive for those things which makes us feel more positive, this is our natural disposition. or when in pain or feeling uncomfortable, we take steps to alleviate that state. negative emotion, as the name suggests, doesn't feel great and leads to strained relationships and from an evolutionary standpoint, leads to a fractured community. i can't think of a situation where a person seeks out or strives for a negative emotion.

so the result of this has been my view that there is no reason to be unhappy, unless when in a situation which makes you unhappy.

the natural questions that lead on from the above is, what is the purpose of emotion from an evolutionary standpoint? why does it have to exist at all? why do i have to feel unhappy when presented with negative situations and scenarios at all? what benefit does being unhappy serve in the first place?

i have not been doing my relaxation/meditation exercise for the past few days. these are the same exercises prescribed to me by my psychologist over a year ago, and even though my sessions with my psych ended coming onto a year, i still sit through the 17 minute exercise every day in the morning.

i have lost a lot of interest in world politics and generally things going on in the world (albeit temporarily), part responsibility for this goes to the two and a bit month month break i took from news media, but currently because my mind is occupied by women. all i think about it getting laid. that's it. a one track mind. i want female company that is not of the platonic sort and i want to fuck her. FUCKING, THAT IS ALL I THINK ABOUT.

i realise the extent of my frigidity. i am generally more confident than most people, i don't how i can make that statement with any accuracy but from my experience, i am more confident than most people i meet. EXCEPT when it comes to women. and in that case i am beyond incompetent.

i have a real difficulty talking to women, no doubt some of it is religious and culturally related and the rest my sociopathic like personality and varied and inconsistent mental states and life situations of the past 7 years. i have never understood (i think until now) how to sugar coat the 'can i stick my dick into you?' when talking to women, because that is what's going on. i have never felt more 'ready' than i do now for a relationship, as in i feel good about myself, i'm not as volatile as i once was and i think i'm a pretty interesting person without the insane eccentricities i once had - well they're still there i just have some control on them. also, not to blow my trumpet any further which is exactly what i'm going to do, i'm a pretty fucking exciting person to be around. oh and an also also, aesthetically, i look much better, my hair and my physique and so on.

i had a few sexual encounters at university but in reality, none of them were actually initiated by myself in the conventional sense. i didn't walk up to a girl and let her know how cute she was and then ask for her number. they were just drunk times at some bar or a club or someone's corridor. even the one girlfriend i've had, she did all the leg work in getting us together.

so to go back to my first paragraph, i have been extremely anxious the past couple of days because i want to stick my dick into something and i just want female company (of the non-platonic kind) and i recognise my inexperience and ineptness. this anxiety is also due to forgoing my relaxation exercise for the past few days; not specifically the exercise itself but a reminder to stay mindful at times of high anxiety and then go through mentally the breathing exercises the relaxation teaches.

i aim to talk to one random girl next week and try and get her number. i plan to write about this one experience here so i can figure out where i went wrong. also, it will be interesting reading for myself a few years down the line.

i'm unsure how difficult this will be, because i have noticed an increase in interest from women at work and just walking around. though the idea of walking up to a girl and talking to her makes my skin crawl and makes me feel extremely anxious though there's that 10% of times where i can be in my element and own. uh i don't know. this post is so disjointed because i felt very uneasy writing about this.