quietlynavigating: (Default)
i haven't posted here in a long time and so i'm obliged to provide you with something.

the most exciting thing occuring in my life right now is that i am taking adult ballet classes and i am having a magnificent time. words can not describe how much i enjoy it and how beautiful and elegant ballet is. next week i am going to see Swan Lake, and i think come August which is my birthday, i would like to see the Bolshoi Ballet who are coming to London.

i have also handed my resignnation in at work.. i got tired of my job and the people i work with, and so i will be resigning in a week's time. the idea is to find more work, ideally with people whose company i enjoy.

i moved out in the summer of 2014, and life has been swell, it's taken until this year for me to find my stride and discover the person i have aimed to be and my life is beautiful. what i mean is i feel great and not vulnerable and fragile like i have done in large parts in the past. this is life affirming and i think i am flourishing, i hope this lasts though hiccups are inevitable, and that this flourishing leads to meeting interesting and exciting people.
i made a really big mistake ~last May. i watched Battlestar Galactica and didn't make notes. here's the thing, if i don't make notes of new ideas and interesting thoughts i encounter, then i no longer remember them and it's as if i never had them to begin with, unless they're reinforced by something else i encounter that alludes to that thought.

i mention Battlestar Galactica because it questioned a lot of my originally held views on politics, the media and a lot of other things and it now feels like i never watched the show to begin with, since the most important aspect of watching it was to provoke and question my views and create original thoughts and ideas which i no longer remember.

i've started using Google Keep to make notes on the fly, and it was one of the major uses of my older phone too.

something else that's weird, being alive. since we're the product of our parents' genes and therefore how we interact with the environment is a direct influence of these genes, whilst taking into account external and not in our control events which affect our lives, being alive is reduced to a very narrow set of choices. and these choices are an illusion because your mental makeup is due to your genes and your environment, means you're going to choose one choice over the other because you wouldn't make that choice if it wasn't for your mental makeup. so being alive isn't really being alive at all, it's more like reacting to stimuli in the way those tiny organisms which react to light do. i completely understand i'm poking at a concept the subject of Philosophy have a million books on, meaning there is likely many flaws with this train of thought.
i've been wondering, were the people who supported Hitler but did not know of the atrocities committed culpable? until what year would actively supporting the Nazi cause have made you a person who wanted what is best for the people but any time pass this date morally bankrupt? i'm sure it's out there, but what was a first person perspective of life under Hitler in terms of liberty and around what point did he arouse suspicion in the people who eventually fled? what did it feel like to lose your freedoms, was it slow and therefore unnoticeable? or was it likely the compromise people were willing to accept for a stronger unified country recovering from the First World War? 
one of the biggest insecurities of my adult life thus far has been how i look. by this, i mean how i physically look. i used to sometimes feel ugly but most of the times, i didn't know and this not knowing amplified my insecurity.

over the past year, i've become increasingly comfortable in my own skin and with how i look and whilst i may never be completely secure about my appearance, i sure do feel i'm on that path. i feel good being me.

'I don’t believe any human being is impartial or objective, we are all subjective, the question isn't whether we have opinions or not, the question is whether we are honest about the assumptions we have embraced, or do we dishonestly pretend that we are something we’re not'


I think this idea that any journalist is objective is false. Everyone has a certain world view which they bring to the table when presenting their version of events, I suppose all we can do is be very aware that we only see things from a certain point of view and try to see it from other people's angle as well. Also, as Glenn Greenwald points out above, we have to make sure we are being honest about the world view we have embraced, and shield it from adopting the popular outlook of the world, as long as the evidence and experiences you have encountered correlate with your world view, this is what I think he means by being 'honest'.

The popular thing for people to say is the BBC is objective. Firstly, I think it's a perception BBC likes to portray they are objective. As outlined above, there is no objectivity. It is not possible for journalists to be neutral: regardless of whether we do or do not overtly express our personal opinion, that opinion is always reflected in the facts we choose to highlight or ignore. There is also the fact that whilst the BBC is funded by the public, it is the government that controls the flow of money from the public to the BBC in the way of setting the tv licensing fees, government grants as well as the govt. continuing to keep the flow of money going solely to the BBC, and I would not be surprised if this influences the operating and the reporting of the BBC.   
every time i realise that life has no inherent meaning and purpose what so ever, apart from procreating i suppose, i just feel so good and i feel like i can do anything.

in the above sentence i use the word 'realise', i wonder how this realisation works. i know that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, but when i read it in different contexts, i hit a realisation and this usually entails a feeling. i don't understand what a feeling has to do with gaining clarity in something at all, may be i didn't re-realise life had no inherent meaning or purpose at all but the feeling associated with gaining clarity made me feel that way. there may be different ways ideas can be phrased which whilst you may logically understand what they say, depending on the phrasing, you may either understand it better by the way it is phrased, or it may even trigger a feeling which momentarily makes you feel like your eyes have opened and you have hit clarity but is merely just a feeling. may be the feeling of realisation is triggered when a moment of clarity is reached, and it's just a process your brain goes under when hitting this moment of clarity is with a feeling of realisation. a way of telling you that your world view has altered slightly more than normal.
i'm currently trying to recreate my world view. one of the things that came up moments ago and prompted me to write this was this snobbishness which still inhabits (and inhibits) me. i made a broad assumption about someone through one detail. i'm trying to move away from this, this idea of categorising everything using incomplete information, it makes everyone seem uninteresting since i generalise everything and everyone and ignore the interesting characteristics which makes everything different.

i'm trying to move away from my previous world view and am trying to recreate a new one on much more accurate experiential information and not based on things said by certain intellectuals or other people.

a lot of these things are what i automatically consider of little value or a degradation of our culture, but now i want to look at these things from an alternative point of view.

this is about overhauling how i view things and questioning the assumptions (which i can't back up) i make about people, society and their motivations.


something i want to note is that there is a constant feeling of being uninterested with everything, and at times this feeling is extremely strong. i'm not depressed because i don't feel depressed. most things fail to excite me in anyway. i'm trying to work through this, but i've felt like this for the past few years and i've managed to distract myself through video games and other addictions and only now as i'm trying to lead a more cleaner life that this has managed to surface. i suppose my future entries will indicate as to what fills this void.
i've been thinking all week about the question what is so good about being happy (or positive emotion) over being unhappy (or negative emotion)?. what is so bad about consistently being unhappy? the answer has been very simple, we as humans  seek out activities which make us feel good or strive for those things which makes us feel more positive, this is our natural disposition. or when in pain or feeling uncomfortable, we take steps to alleviate that state. negative emotion, as the name suggests, doesn't feel great and leads to strained relationships and from an evolutionary standpoint, leads to a fractured community. i can't think of a situation where a person seeks out or strives for a negative emotion.

so the result of this has been my view that there is no reason to be unhappy, unless when in a situation which makes you unhappy.

the natural questions that lead on from the above is, what is the purpose of emotion from an evolutionary standpoint? why does it have to exist at all? why do i have to feel unhappy when presented with negative situations and scenarios at all? what benefit does being unhappy serve in the first place?
looking through my adult life through one particular lens, a person could come to the conclusion that large portions could be described as in a state of a constant existential crisis (EC).

what would possibly need to happen so i could feel fulfilled? this is the perennial question.

i know for a fact that were i getting as much sex as i desire, it would still not assuage the ongoing EC. i also know for a fact that after the initial euphoria of finally having my own space and moving out after years of struggle, this EC will continue.

i need to understand the things which arise the feeling of fulfillment. i feel that these things are not necessarily deep activities, but things i don't do, either because i haven't yet realised their potentiality to fulfill me or i simply haven't discovered these interests yet.

one thing that will go a long way to helping with this is reading (books that is). simply put, i have been trying to get myself to read regularly since i way 17 yet i've failed constantly and consistently. though i don't think in all those years i've quite had the drive i walk around with these days so i think i can come out on top.

with reading, it's just motivation. i really enjoy reading, and i've come to prefer it over watching films. films are a different medium, and within the exploration of ideas, i mostly prefer books. the internet just consumes all of my time that it's difficult to conceive spending time inside without being plugged into the internet.

i have come to appreciate exposition as opposed to ideas conveyed in bite-size forms. i like the exploration of the nuances of a presented idea.

and yes ladies and gentlemen, i have realised that i am in fact an ideas man. i have tried so hard to find fulfillment in other things such as other people and so on, but without any attempt to understand the world around us and things associated with that, i do feel pretty empty.

so within the past year, i have discovered that i crave all forms of human relationships and i find them utterly beautiful and interesting, and the other being what i've described above: wanting to understand things and new ways of looking at things, broadly categorised as 'ideas', something which i previously thought i had lost interest in. 
i have not been doing my relaxation/meditation exercise for the past few days. these are the same exercises prescribed to me by my psychologist over a year ago, and even though my sessions with my psych ended coming onto a year, i still sit through the 17 minute exercise every day in the morning.

i have lost a lot of interest in world politics and generally things going on in the world (albeit temporarily), part responsibility for this goes to the two and a bit month month break i took from news media, but currently because my mind is occupied by women. all i think about it getting laid. that's it. a one track mind. i want female company that is not of the platonic sort and i want to fuck her. FUCKING, THAT IS ALL I THINK ABOUT.

i realise the extent of my frigidity. i am generally more confident than most people, i don't how i can make that statement with any accuracy but from my experience, i am more confident than most people i meet. EXCEPT when it comes to women. and in that case i am beyond incompetent.

i have a real difficulty talking to women, no doubt some of it is religious and culturally related and the rest my sociopathic like personality and varied and inconsistent mental states and life situations of the past 7 years. i have never understood (i think until now) how to sugar coat the 'can i stick my dick into you?' when talking to women, because that is what's going on. i have never felt more 'ready' than i do now for a relationship, as in i feel good about myself, i'm not as volatile as i once was and i think i'm a pretty interesting person without the insane eccentricities i once had - well they're still there i just have some control on them. also, not to blow my trumpet any further which is exactly what i'm going to do, i'm a pretty fucking exciting person to be around. oh and an also also, aesthetically, i look much better, my hair and my physique and so on.

i had a few sexual encounters at university but in reality, none of them were actually initiated by myself in the conventional sense. i didn't walk up to a girl and let her know how cute she was and then ask for her number. they were just drunk times at some bar or a club or someone's corridor. even the one girlfriend i've had, she did all the leg work in getting us together.

so to go back to my first paragraph, i have been extremely anxious the past couple of days because i want to stick my dick into something and i just want female company (of the non-platonic kind) and i recognise my inexperience and ineptness. this anxiety is also due to forgoing my relaxation exercise for the past few days; not specifically the exercise itself but a reminder to stay mindful at times of high anxiety and then go through mentally the breathing exercises the relaxation teaches.

i aim to talk to one random girl next week and try and get her number. i plan to write about this one experience here so i can figure out where i went wrong. also, it will be interesting reading for myself a few years down the line.

i'm unsure how difficult this will be, because i have noticed an increase in interest from women at work and just walking around. though the idea of walking up to a girl and talking to her makes my skin crawl and makes me feel extremely anxious though there's that 10% of times where i can be in my element and own. uh i don't know. this post is so disjointed because i felt very uneasy writing about this.