(no subject)

the possibility that my fapping has been chronic and is the cause of my lack of drive to do anything productive makes me feel rather excited.

it's been five years since i've felt like this and never has there been a clear cut reason as to why i have no drive. there's always been the wishy washy answers such as i was never pursuing what was right for me, even though that has never affected my performance in subjects i hated. there was also the psychological reason of hidden anxiety and so on, but none of these adversely affected any other part of my life and so under observation at the psychiatric ward, i was discharged because i was completely normal.

do i think this is it? have i found the thing that will enable me once more pursue things and work at them. i think so. i feel i am a textbook case of how chronic fapping can turn someones life upside down.

though i'd like to point out, if i were to regain my drive, i am no longer at university and so the disappointing truth that i still do no have a degree and i'm only really qualified for entry level slave work. nor will regaining my drive solve my problem of not knowing what the hell i want to do as a career.

completing this challenge, which is a drawn out long term affair probably lasting until the end of this year to fully remove my extreme sexual appetite most likely caused by my chronic fapping, will allow me to throw myself at opportunities in volunteering as well as apply for jobs i hate in order to figure out what it is i want to do, and whether i actually care what i'm doing once i find a job. 

i'd also like really like to find people to have sex with. once this is over of course. this would already mean i'm not living at home, so it is quite a long way away. just the feeling that no one out there is for me, in that no one quite understands me or ending up with someone who i fool myself into loving because i can't believe someone likes me. i have all these negative thoughts about relationships and things though none of this is even possible, especially since it feels i'm stuck here for at least another year. most probably longer, which is actually quite a depressing thought but i won't think about it. 

the previous paragraph is the result of finding out today that my personality does actually fall in to INTP at a consistent rate. the last few times i took the test, which was around three years ago, i felt that i was pretending/faking it and the answers weren't real. but the grim reality is, i am INTP. 

also, today i had a mental breakdown. it lasted twenty minutes. no one was at home. of course it is the result of living at home with a family i despise, no matter how cold that comes off, i really do not care. i know they're not evil, but the things they do for the reasons they do it, i despise. i live at home, knowing that it is the worse place for me to be for my psychological well being, yet i stay there for the security, food, and that i'm too damn incompetent to do anything about it. 

if you were left with the impression i have low self-esteem, then you're right.

peace out. (and forgive bad sentence structures and so on, i can never be bothered re-reading the crap that's been written)