quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2016-03-05 12:53 pm

(no subject)

i haven't posted here in a long time and so i'm obliged to provide you with something.

the most exciting thing occuring in my life right now is that i am taking adult ballet classes and i am having a magnificent time. words can not describe how much i enjoy it and how beautiful and elegant ballet is. next week i am going to see Swan Lake, and i think come August which is my birthday, i would like to see the Bolshoi Ballet who are coming to London.

i have also handed my resignnation in at work.. i got tired of my job and the people i work with, and so i will be resigning in a week's time. the idea is to find more work, ideally with people whose company i enjoy.

i moved out in the summer of 2014, and life has been swell, it's taken until this year for me to find my stride and discover the person i have aimed to be and my life is beautiful. what i mean is i feel great and not vulnerable and fragile like i have done in large parts in the past. this is life affirming and i think i am flourishing, i hope this lasts though hiccups are inevitable, and that this flourishing leads to meeting interesting and exciting people.
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2014-02-22 11:55 am

(no subject)

i made a really big mistake ~last May. i watched Battlestar Galactica and didn't make notes. here's the thing, if i don't make notes of new ideas and interesting thoughts i encounter, then i no longer remember them and it's as if i never had them to begin with, unless they're reinforced by something else i encounter that alludes to that thought.

i mention Battlestar Galactica because it questioned a lot of my originally held views on politics, the media and a lot of other things and it now feels like i never watched the show to begin with, since the most important aspect of watching it was to provoke and question my views and create original thoughts and ideas which i no longer remember.

i've started using Google Keep to make notes on the fly, and it was one of the major uses of my older phone too.

something else that's weird, being alive. since we're the product of our parents' genes and therefore how we interact with the environment is a direct influence of these genes, whilst taking into account external and not in our control events which affect our lives, being alive is reduced to a very narrow set of choices. and these choices are an illusion because your mental makeup is due to your genes and your environment, means you're going to choose one choice over the other because you wouldn't make that choice if it wasn't for your mental makeup. so being alive isn't really being alive at all, it's more like reacting to stimuli in the way those tiny organisms which react to light do. i completely understand i'm poking at a concept the subject of Philosophy have a million books on, meaning there is likely many flaws with this train of thought.
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2014-02-22 11:14 am

(no subject)

i've been wondering, were the people who supported Hitler but did not know of the atrocities committed culpable? until what year would actively supporting the Nazi cause have made you a person who wanted what is best for the people but any time pass this date morally bankrupt? i'm sure it's out there, but what was a first person perspective of life under Hitler in terms of liberty and around what point did he arouse suspicion in the people who eventually fled? what did it feel like to lose your freedoms, was it slow and therefore unnoticeable? or was it likely the compromise people were willing to accept for a stronger unified country recovering from the First World War? 
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2014-01-11 12:59 pm

(no subject)

one of the biggest insecurities of my adult life thus far has been how i look. by this, i mean how i physically look. i used to sometimes feel ugly but most of the times, i didn't know and this not knowing amplified my insecurity.

over the past year, i've become increasingly comfortable in my own skin and with how i look and whilst i may never be completely secure about my appearance, i sure do feel i'm on that path. i feel good being me.
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2013-12-27 01:08 pm

Glenn Greenwald on Objectivity as a Journalist

Paraphrased:

'I don’t believe any human being is impartial or objective, we are all subjective, the question isn't whether we have opinions or not, the question is whether we are honest about the assumptions we have embraced, or do we dishonestly pretend that we are something we’re not'

---

I think this idea that any journalist is objective is false. Everyone has a certain world view which they bring to the table when presenting their version of events, I suppose all we can do is be very aware that we only see things from a certain point of view and try to see it from other people's angle as well. Also, as Glenn Greenwald points out above, we have to make sure we are being honest about the world view we have embraced, and shield it from adopting the popular outlook of the world, as long as the evidence and experiences you have encountered correlate with your world view, this is what I think he means by being 'honest'.

The popular thing for people to say is the BBC is objective. Firstly, I think it's a perception BBC likes to portray they are objective. As outlined above, there is no objectivity. It is not possible for journalists to be neutral: regardless of whether we do or do not overtly express our personal opinion, that opinion is always reflected in the facts we choose to highlight or ignore. There is also the fact that whilst the BBC is funded by the public, it is the government that controls the flow of money from the public to the BBC in the way of setting the tv licensing fees, government grants as well as the govt. continuing to keep the flow of money going solely to the BBC, and I would not be surprised if this influences the operating and the reporting of the BBC.   
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2013-11-30 10:39 pm

(no subject)

every time i realise that life has no inherent meaning and purpose what so ever, apart from procreating i suppose, i just feel so good and i feel like i can do anything.

in the above sentence i use the word 'realise', i wonder how this realisation works. i know that life has no inherent meaning or purpose, but when i read it in different contexts, i hit a realisation and this usually entails a feeling. i don't understand what a feeling has to do with gaining clarity in something at all, may be i didn't re-realise life had no inherent meaning or purpose at all but the feeling associated with gaining clarity made me feel that way. there may be different ways ideas can be phrased which whilst you may logically understand what they say, depending on the phrasing, you may either understand it better by the way it is phrased, or it may even trigger a feeling which momentarily makes you feel like your eyes have opened and you have hit clarity but is merely just a feeling. may be the feeling of realisation is triggered when a moment of clarity is reached, and it's just a process your brain goes under when hitting this moment of clarity is with a feeling of realisation. a way of telling you that your world view has altered slightly more than normal.
quietlynavigating: (ballet)
2013-09-24 06:28 pm

(no subject)

i'm currently trying to recreate my world view. one of the things that came up moments ago and prompted me to write this was this snobbishness which still inhabits (and inhibits) me. i made a broad assumption about someone through one detail. i'm trying to move away from this, this idea of categorising everything using incomplete information, it makes everyone seem uninteresting since i generalise everything and everyone and ignore the interesting characteristics which makes everything different.

i'm trying to move away from my previous world view and am trying to recreate a new one on much more accurate experiential information and not based on things said by certain intellectuals or other people.

a lot of these things are what i automatically consider of little value or a degradation of our culture, but now i want to look at these things from an alternative point of view.

this is about overhauling how i view things and questioning the assumptions (which i can't back up) i make about people, society and their motivations.

---

something i want to note is that there is a constant feeling of being uninterested with everything, and at times this feeling is extremely strong. i'm not depressed because i don't feel depressed. most things fail to excite me in anyway. i'm trying to work through this, but i've felt like this for the past few years and i've managed to distract myself through video games and other addictions and only now as i'm trying to lead a more cleaner life that this has managed to surface. i suppose my future entries will indicate as to what fills this void.
quietlynavigating: (void)
2013-09-08 06:49 pm

(no subject)

i've been thinking all week about the question what is so good about being happy (or positive emotion) over being unhappy (or negative emotion)?. what is so bad about consistently being unhappy? the answer has been very simple, we as humans  seek out activities which make us feel good or strive for those things which makes us feel more positive, this is our natural disposition. or when in pain or feeling uncomfortable, we take steps to alleviate that state. negative emotion, as the name suggests, doesn't feel great and leads to strained relationships and from an evolutionary standpoint, leads to a fractured community. i can't think of a situation where a person seeks out or strives for a negative emotion.

so the result of this has been my view that there is no reason to be unhappy, unless when in a situation which makes you unhappy.

the natural questions that lead on from the above is, what is the purpose of emotion from an evolutionary standpoint? why does it have to exist at all? why do i have to feel unhappy when presented with negative situations and scenarios at all? what benefit does being unhappy serve in the first place?
quietlynavigating: (void)
2013-08-18 10:35 pm

(no subject)

looking through my adult life through one particular lens, a person could come to the conclusion that large portions could be described as in a state of a constant existential crisis (EC).

what would possibly need to happen so i could feel fulfilled? this is the perennial question.

i know for a fact that were i getting as much sex as i desire, it would still not assuage the ongoing EC. i also know for a fact that after the initial euphoria of finally having my own space and moving out after years of struggle, this EC will continue.

i need to understand the things which arise the feeling of fulfillment. i feel that these things are not necessarily deep activities, but things i don't do, either because i haven't yet realised their potentiality to fulfill me or i simply haven't discovered these interests yet.

one thing that will go a long way to helping with this is reading (books that is). simply put, i have been trying to get myself to read regularly since i way 17 yet i've failed constantly and consistently. though i don't think in all those years i've quite had the drive i walk around with these days so i think i can come out on top.

with reading, it's just motivation. i really enjoy reading, and i've come to prefer it over watching films. films are a different medium, and within the exploration of ideas, i mostly prefer books. the internet just consumes all of my time that it's difficult to conceive spending time inside without being plugged into the internet.

i have come to appreciate exposition as opposed to ideas conveyed in bite-size forms. i like the exploration of the nuances of a presented idea.

and yes ladies and gentlemen, i have realised that i am in fact an ideas man. i have tried so hard to find fulfillment in other things such as other people and so on, but without any attempt to understand the world around us and things associated with that, i do feel pretty empty.

so within the past year, i have discovered that i crave all forms of human relationships and i find them utterly beautiful and interesting, and the other being what i've described above: wanting to understand things and new ways of looking at things, broadly categorised as 'ideas', something which i previously thought i had lost interest in. 
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-08-10 05:05 pm

(no subject)

i have not been doing my relaxation/meditation exercise for the past few days. these are the same exercises prescribed to me by my psychologist over a year ago, and even though my sessions with my psych ended coming onto a year, i still sit through the 17 minute exercise every day in the morning.

i have lost a lot of interest in world politics and generally things going on in the world (albeit temporarily), part responsibility for this goes to the two and a bit month month break i took from news media, but currently because my mind is occupied by women. all i think about it getting laid. that's it. a one track mind. i want female company that is not of the platonic sort and i want to fuck her. FUCKING, THAT IS ALL I THINK ABOUT.

i realise the extent of my frigidity. i am generally more confident than most people, i don't how i can make that statement with any accuracy but from my experience, i am more confident than most people i meet. EXCEPT when it comes to women. and in that case i am beyond incompetent.

i have a real difficulty talking to women, no doubt some of it is religious and culturally related and the rest my sociopathic like personality and varied and inconsistent mental states and life situations of the past 7 years. i have never understood (i think until now) how to sugar coat the 'can i stick my dick into you?' when talking to women, because that is what's going on. i have never felt more 'ready' than i do now for a relationship, as in i feel good about myself, i'm not as volatile as i once was and i think i'm a pretty interesting person without the insane eccentricities i once had - well they're still there i just have some control on them. also, not to blow my trumpet any further which is exactly what i'm going to do, i'm a pretty fucking exciting person to be around. oh and an also also, aesthetically, i look much better, my hair and my physique and so on.

i had a few sexual encounters at university but in reality, none of them were actually initiated by myself in the conventional sense. i didn't walk up to a girl and let her know how cute she was and then ask for her number. they were just drunk times at some bar or a club or someone's corridor. even the one girlfriend i've had, she did all the leg work in getting us together.

so to go back to my first paragraph, i have been extremely anxious the past couple of days because i want to stick my dick into something and i just want female company (of the non-platonic kind) and i recognise my inexperience and ineptness. this anxiety is also due to forgoing my relaxation exercise for the past few days; not specifically the exercise itself but a reminder to stay mindful at times of high anxiety and then go through mentally the breathing exercises the relaxation teaches.

i aim to talk to one random girl next week and try and get her number. i plan to write about this one experience here so i can figure out where i went wrong. also, it will be interesting reading for myself a few years down the line.

i'm unsure how difficult this will be, because i have noticed an increase in interest from women at work and just walking around. though the idea of walking up to a girl and talking to her makes my skin crawl and makes me feel extremely anxious though there's that 10% of times where i can be in my element and own. uh i don't know. this post is so disjointed because i felt very uneasy writing about this.
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-08-03 03:04 pm

(no subject)

real life is gritty. very gritty. if real life were a movie, it wouldn't be something created by Hollywood because the audience would be too niche.

so this brings me onto something i want to talk about, which is emotions. whenever i see a beautiful painting of a woman, and through the window i see a beautiful summer's day with golden cornfields or i see a typical picturesque autumn day with trees and an assortment of red, yellow, orange and brown leaves gliding in the wind; i sense a feeling that i have very rarely (if ever) experienced that feeling the woman is in my life. the one where you feel things are perfect and everything is perfect.

after my initial "AAAHHH how beautiful!" feelng, my mind always moves on to think how unreal that is and the beautiful nude woman half covered under the silk sheets in this painting, very possibly has a whole host of problems and things weighing on her mind, the details of which are not privy to us.

is it possible to feel that way? is it possible for one's life to be that perfect? the answer is very predictable and cliched, life is as perfect as you deem it, in that you can cycle over and over all your problems and stresses, or you can be content and grateful for what you have and consider these issues within your life as minor hurdles,

i suppose the way i look at the aforementioned hypothetical painting tells you (and me) more about me than it does reveal anything about the painting. my viewing of the painting as if i have given up on really pleasant positive emotions and feelings and resorted to cynicism and looking down upon pleasant things and bringing them down to my level.

this idea of being content; being happy with what you have, which is probably made up of an understanding of several things: the fickleness of life and death, the inconsequentiality of it all, being grateful for what you do have, being mindful of what does make you happy and its importance over your problems.

in the end, this idea that real life is gritty is just a point of view. having written this, i think it is as gritty as you make it and it is very possible to coast through even terrible life events by consistently being mindful and with a perspective; but being able to do that just sounds like a mental illness?

also, i find it interesting that when looking at these pictures, it's an assumption i'm making that the woman is happy and everything is perfect, painter may not have even painted her to look happy. this probably also links in some way to how i have always viewed as everyone's life (except the most extreme cases) as better than mine
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-07-18 08:00 pm

(no subject)

to be as candid as possible, now that i am employed, my mind has shifted to the idea of 'getting laid'.

this isn't simple, as there is an aspect of myself that is simply uninterested in 'getting to know' people. i wonder why this is?

it simply isn't true to state that i am uninterested in getting to know people, because i find people curious and very interesting and i think one of the most important things that make me happy and feel fulfilled (long-term and a deeper sense of happiness) is my relationship with others. i learnt all this in Zimbabwe; possibly something to do with being in a different environment and the usual stress factors which resulted in my opening up emotionally.

so why is it that that when it comes to women -- when i think about it in my own time -- i crave a close relationship with another person, yet when i practically think about it in real life, i find it 'NO WAY' and all i want is sex. though in all honesty, there are those times when i see two people together in a certain manner which i can't put my finger on that does also open up my feelings, and a want for a closer relationship with another person.

i certainly think there is something within me that is preventing myself in reality pursuing a meaningful sexual relationship, and even friendships. maybe i've been hurt by past friendships and my one relationship and a non-conscious part of myself is protecting me and preventing me from being hurt and manifests itself in uncharacteristic (from my usual self) reservedness.

i'm working on connecting this need for emotional fulfillment with the reality that i don't let people get close.

there is A LOT more to explore here but this is it for now, i'll share any insight further into this exploration and seeking for sex and a companion, and friends too.
 
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-07-16 08:48 pm

(no subject)

something i am currently working on is my listening skills.

i have noticed that i have become mentally lazy, not just in the listening department but others too. people notice that i don't listen, i notice that i don't listen, even when i am actually listening. it's because i'm being lazy and i'm not actively listening to what people are talking about, my mind is nowhere and i'm processing information halfheartedly.

so i'm going about my daily life with the mental note that i need to be an active listener and actually focus when someone is talking or even when watching a film and so on. i think it will improve my life in other mental departments too when i start to get the hang of listening.

my original aim was to improve my focus and concentration, but that was too vague and at the heart of the problem was my poor listening skills. i don't know where this paragraph is going.

anyway, i also wanted to note that i missed in the previous post that an additional reason as to why i would like to post much more frequently is so i can practice writing and for some reason, i really want to improve my writing. i find this strange because usually, there seems to be a tangible reason as to why i set out to do things when concerning my own development, but in this case i'm not so sure, maybe i just deem it an extremely useful skill and i'd like to work on it? 
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-07-16 08:39 pm

(no subject)

i'm going to try and attempt to turn this journal into a regular event and very different to what i envisioned when i created this. surprisingly, i have stuck to my intention of posting things which i want to post as opposed to just posting random thoughts.

well, i think i'm going to start just posting things.

my situation has changed and my life is good. there are things that still need to occur in my life but they are things of inevitability as opposed to things i need to continue to struggle for..

so i guess that is that.
quietlynavigating: (paris metro sign)
2013-07-14 06:45 pm

(no subject)

this is taken straight out of http://laradavid.blogspot.co.uk/2008/07/difference-between-equity-and-equality.html

i thought it was worth sharing.

-----------------------

The Difference Between 'Equity' and 'Equality'
 
Pay attention, folks, because this lesson is important. It's important for feminism, for humanity, for respect and tolerance. So read closely, because I don't get this fired up over nothing.
      
There's this activity I do in my class. All the students sit in a circle, and I ask everyone to take off his or her left shoe and throw it into a pile in the center. Once the shoes are all piled up, I begin re-distributing them, one to each student, completely at random. Then I tell everyone to put on the new shoes. And inevitably, there begin the complaints.
      
"This isn't my shoe!"
       
"It's too big!"
       
"It's too small!"
     
"This doesn't fit me!"
       
Whatever the specific complaints are, very few students are actually happy with their newly mismatched pair of shoes. "What's wrong?" I ask. "I did everything fairly. You all have two shoes - one for your right foot and one for your left."
       
"But Miss David," they say, "they aren't the correct shoes!"
     
"Oh," I say. "You want the shoes that are best for each of you individually? Not just any shoe I find?"
       
"Yes!" they all say.
                     
"But," I say, with furrowed brow, "that doesn't seem fair. I wanted to treat you all EQUALLY." I point to a boy with somewhat large feet, and a nearby girl with smallish feet. "He'll have more shoe than you will," I note. And without a doubt, someone unknowingly gets right to the heart of the issue:
               
"It doesn't matter who has more shoe, Miss David. It matters that we all have the right shoes for us."
           
And THAT, my friends, is the difference between equity and equality. Equality means everyone gets exactly the same outcome - two shoes - without regard to individual differences - large or small feet, for example. Equity means everyone gets the same quality of outcome - shoes that fit their individual needs.
                
A lot of feminist arguments are either poorly worded, claiming to desire equality for women in situations where they would actually prefer equity, or misunderstood as demanding equality when they are, in fact, demanding equity. This has become remarkably apparent to me in the recent barrage of posts about women bloggers and how they earn - or fail to earn - respect for their work. Catherine wrote this in her MamaPop post:
       
What is radical about it is that we push on, demanding to be heard, and demanding recognition of our worth as mothers, women, writers, business-people, innovators, people, against the ignorance of those who would keep us down.
       
Some have interpreted this as a half-hearted and hypocritical demand for equality, when it is actually anything but. Demanding recognition as mothers and women sort of fundamentally requires an expectation that we will not be treated exactly the same as a man would. Why would we want to be treated exactly like men anyway? In case you didn't notice, WE'RE NOT MEN. What we're demanding is not equality - it's equity.
       
We demand respect for doing a damn hard job and doing it well. We demand respect for creating a community that inspires and uplifts in the face of some of life's greatest challenges. We demand respect for refusing to compromise our femininity in the face of professional obstacles. We don't demand the EXACT SAME RESPECT that men receive - that's like demanding everyone wear the same shoes, regardless of size. We demand the respect that is most fitting to our stations, but damn it, we still demand the respect.
        
We are women, and we should be treated as women - to do otherwise would be to ignore plain facts. But being treated as women should not automatically mean being treated as less serious or less important, and that's the problem with having an article about our work in the field of blogging - which really is primarily a technological field - placed in the "Style" section of the New York Times.
               
We are not screaming our heads off to be placated with promises of equality. We are not men - do not treat us as men. We are women, and we demand equity.
quietlynavigating: (Default)
2013-05-28 10:54 am

(no subject)

there is something about blogs which have been abandoned here on livejournal which gets me curious about these people's lives. the fact that they've abandoned their blog gets me more curious than i otherwise would have been had they been keeping it updated.
quietlynavigating: (Default)
2013-03-28 09:35 pm

(no subject)

despite the previous post (written moments ago) suggesting the status quo is as dire as it has been for the past three years, this is not the case.

i feel like not writing about it because i may jinx it, or to put it in a more rational manner, i may unintentionally convince myself that the battle's over and i'm eating the greener grass on the other side. i know that my use of the common saying in the previous sentence is possibly used incorrectly but it my mind it fits.

i have been a 'different person' since coming back from Zimbabwe. i'm much more resilient mentally. i don't get as angry as i have been getting in the previous three years. i no longer have a switch where i go from zero to insane. i no longer pity myself, well, maybe a little teeny weeny bit. i am much more grateful for the things i have in my life. i am much more aware of my finiteness on this planet. and i understand what is required to move forward, and i am moving forward, and it is hard, but i will make it. also, Zimbabwe didn't just 'transform' me, it was largely the psychologist i was seeing months prior and going to  Zim somehow provided me with the environment to work on my anxiety and negative outlooks and therefore 'discover myself'.

there's also been a subtler improvement in my life. see, i've had these two personalities, one is extremely extroverted and the other extremely introverted, and for the first time i no longer have these two personalities where i feel like a different person depending on the situation i'm in. a more elegant way of putting this, and i think this is the reason as to why this has happened, for once i recognise some of the things that make me happy and i want in my life. coming back from Zimbabwe, i've discovered that i value relationships more than i do anything else. people make me happy. talking to people, learning about people, and the greater difference, the happier i am usually.

there have been other improvements, in relation to having re-developed 'interests' in things, which isn't video games or spending inordinate amounts of time on reddit. i don't want to talk about it because talking about it here and finalising these interests in pixels indicates the battle's over, when in reality it's just begun.  

i've discovered my written English is absolutely dreadful and i'd like to work on improving this, and i'm unsure whether this goes han-in-hand but i want to also learn to articulate myself better. it's frustrating to realise how dreadful i think my written English is, i think spoken English too to be honest. 
quietlynavigating: (Default)
2013-03-28 08:59 pm

(no subject)

moments ago i discovered that i have a need to impress others. i think this [can't think of the correct adjective] behaviour stems from my poor psychological need to please my parents, which is very subtle and but no where near as severe as it once was. i'm writing this as opposed to on my phone, where i keep my personal development notes, because a small note would not suffice and would require clarification. the main idea here is, and were i to write a note on my phone, i would write 'i should do things because i want to and for myself and and not to impress others'.

the thought which spawned the above thought was once again, as i have thought about many times before, i have a real difficulty taking an interest in other people's lives without feeling a very deep sense of envy and followed by self-pity. never mind the false excuses related to privacy concerns and unethical business practises when asked the reason as to why i don't have facebook, the real reason is simple: i start to wallow in self-pity when i see pictures and read about the happiness of the people i know. i understand that no-one is as happy as they seem on facebook, but my brain doesn't seem to care.

following this clarification, i did end up writing one of my personal development notes
quietlynavigating: (Default)
2012-04-22 07:50 pm

(no subject)

i went for a walk. i like walking since it provides me with an opportunity to think about things and it's a good way to feel good. walking feels good.

whilst walking, i was thinking about the things that interested me, and my relationship with these things since i'm not very driven to pursue things. this has been changing for the past couple of months, but the drive still isn't where it needs to be.

whilst thinking about these things, my subjective outlook on life changed, albeit only for a certain duration of the walk. let me first explain to you what i mean by my 'outlook on life'. whenever you go outside of your house or apartment, and you walk somewhere and just look at things, there is a certain feeling associated with that - the way you see everyday life. there is a feeling associated with that, but i get the impression that most people may not realize this because they feel this all the time. my arrogance in saying some people may not realize this comes from the fact that whilst i knew this, it wasn't the same as feeling it the way i did today.

so where was i, my outlook on life changed for a duration of my walk.

the time this happened was when i was thinking deeply about the things i was curious about, all the different things that fascinated me about everything and how i wasn't pursuing those interests.

so after about 10 minutes of walking and really thinking about these things as well as how and why i wasn't pursuing any of these interests, the way i looked at things changed.

i can't really describe the feeling very well, specially because it's a feeling, but i can go someway to describing it.

so when i looked up, my usual thoughts of viewing life and society as a projection of my thoughts towards myself, such as: hopelessness, distress and something uniformly grey was no longer there. 

i felt very bright and happy and this veil of grey with which i saw life was no longer there. when i saw the woman in her car with a green raincoat and her daughter, i didn't feel 'oh it's sunday, she's going to go home and do the things everyone else do and prepare to go to work tomorrow', i felt, 'fuck, i've been (involuntarily and helplessly) looking at life just one way, and there are many feelings and ways to look at things' (note: this is how i felt, not what i said, i didn't say anything to myself). and even though what i said about her going home and and doing whatever everyone else does may be true, the significance of what i felt was in that there are vastly different ways of looking at life, not in a describable way, but in a subjective feelings kind of way. something which i think can be changed by changing my life, in the same way that surrounding yourself with negative people and some of which will rub on to you.

sure, i knew that there were different ways of looking (meaning feeling) about life, and i'd felt what i felt today quite a few times before. i thought that it having happened today was critical in the the time that i occurred. a moment where i'm trying very hard to change my life and trying to find some direction in the way of 'how do i go about doing all these things i want to do?' and the ever elusive independence day.