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[personal profile] quietlynavigating
looking through my adult life through one particular lens, a person could come to the conclusion that large portions could be described as in a state of a constant existential crisis (EC).

what would possibly need to happen so i could feel fulfilled? this is the perennial question.

i know for a fact that were i getting as much sex as i desire, it would still not assuage the ongoing EC. i also know for a fact that after the initial euphoria of finally having my own space and moving out after years of struggle, this EC will continue.

i need to understand the things which arise the feeling of fulfillment. i feel that these things are not necessarily deep activities, but things i don't do, either because i haven't yet realised their potentiality to fulfill me or i simply haven't discovered these interests yet.

one thing that will go a long way to helping with this is reading (books that is). simply put, i have been trying to get myself to read regularly since i way 17 yet i've failed constantly and consistently. though i don't think in all those years i've quite had the drive i walk around with these days so i think i can come out on top.

with reading, it's just motivation. i really enjoy reading, and i've come to prefer it over watching films. films are a different medium, and within the exploration of ideas, i mostly prefer books. the internet just consumes all of my time that it's difficult to conceive spending time inside without being plugged into the internet.

i have come to appreciate exposition as opposed to ideas conveyed in bite-size forms. i like the exploration of the nuances of a presented idea.

and yes ladies and gentlemen, i have realised that i am in fact an ideas man. i have tried so hard to find fulfillment in other things such as other people and so on, but without any attempt to understand the world around us and things associated with that, i do feel pretty empty.

so within the past year, i have discovered that i crave all forms of human relationships and i find them utterly beautiful and interesting, and the other being what i've described above: wanting to understand things and new ways of looking at things, broadly categorised as 'ideas', something which i previously thought i had lost interest in. 
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