quietlynavigating: (Default)
[personal profile] quietlynavigating
looking through my adult life through one particular lens, a person could come to the conclusion that large portions could be described as in a state of a constant existential crisis (EC).

what would possibly need to happen so i could feel fulfilled? this is the perennial question.

i know for a fact that were i getting as much sex as i desire, it would still not assuage the ongoing EC. i also know for a fact that after the initial euphoria of finally having my own space and moving out after years of struggle, this EC will continue.

i need to understand the things which arise the feeling of fulfillment. i feel that these things are not necessarily deep activities, but things i don't do, either because i haven't yet realised their potentiality to fulfill me or i simply haven't discovered these interests yet.

one thing that will go a long way to helping with this is reading (books that is). simply put, i have been trying to get myself to read regularly since i way 17 yet i've failed constantly and consistently. though i don't think in all those years i've quite had the drive i walk around with these days so i think i can come out on top.

with reading, it's just motivation. i really enjoy reading, and i've come to prefer it over watching films. films are a different medium, and within the exploration of ideas, i mostly prefer books. the internet just consumes all of my time that it's difficult to conceive spending time inside without being plugged into the internet.

i have come to appreciate exposition as opposed to ideas conveyed in bite-size forms. i like the exploration of the nuances of a presented idea.

and yes ladies and gentlemen, i have realised that i am in fact an ideas man. i have tried so hard to find fulfillment in other things such as other people and so on, but without any attempt to understand the world around us and things associated with that, i do feel pretty empty.

so within the past year, i have discovered that i crave all forms of human relationships and i find them utterly beautiful and interesting, and the other being what i've described above: wanting to understand things and new ways of looking at things, broadly categorised as 'ideas', something which i previously thought i had lost interest in. 

Date: Aug. 19th, 2013 08:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Did you read The Outsider yet? Also, if you want to read more, I am more than happy to give recommendations of some I think you'll find most interesting, if you haven't already read them of course. Do you own a kindle? I fought the idea for ages but then succumbed and though they aren't quite as wonderful as reading an actual, physical paper book they are brilliant in that you can get all the books you want quickly and cheaply, and many of the classics are free. Totally worth it.

In terms of the existential crisis, I don't think there's one thing that you can find where you'll suddenly go "Ooh, I am now fulfilled" but I think reading and doing things and thinking about ideas is a very good start, I think these kind of things get healed as you get distracted and find things to focus on. But then, I could be wrong, I don't know very much about anything really.

Date: Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i already own books from years ago which i'd like to read, i just haven't read them. i'm going to start small and make my way to gradually read increasing amounts.

the problem with constantly engaging my brain is that my brain very quickly meanders into thinking about less privileged people in the world which very quickly results in a drop in my mood. i need to learn how to not equate my happiness with that of rest of the world's, and whilst i think some people would consider this a good problem to have, i consider this not so good, especially considering my mental history.