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quietlynavigating

July 18th, 2013

to be as candid as possible, now that i am employed, my mind has shifted to the idea of 'getting laid'.

this isn't simple, as there is an aspect of myself that is simply uninterested in 'getting to know' people. i wonder why this is?

it simply isn't true to state that i am uninterested in getting to know people, because i find people curious and very interesting and i think one of the most important things that make me happy and feel fulfilled (long-term and a deeper sense of happiness) is my relationship with others. i learnt all this in Zimbabwe; possibly something to do with being in a different environment and the usual stress factors which resulted in my opening up emotionally.

so why is it that that when it comes to women -- when i think about it in my own time -- i crave a close relationship with another person, yet when i practically think about it in real life, i find it 'NO WAY' and all i want is sex. though in all honesty, there are those times when i see two people together in a certain manner which i can't put my finger on that does also open up my feelings, and a want for a closer relationship with another person.

i certainly think there is something within me that is preventing myself in reality pursuing a meaningful sexual relationship, and even friendships. maybe i've been hurt by past friendships and my one relationship and a non-conscious part of myself is protecting me and preventing me from being hurt and manifests itself in uncharacteristic (from my usual self) reservedness.

i'm working on connecting this need for emotional fulfillment with the reality that i don't let people get close.

there is A LOT more to explore here but this is it for now, i'll share any insight further into this exploration and seeking for sex and a companion, and friends too.